One of my young students was working toward earning another stripe on his belt. He knew the material, and his technical ability was where I expected it to be. But during class, he kept talking while I was giving instructions, making it difficult for the children around him to concentrate.
I decided to postpone his stripe evaluation until the following week. I wanted him to understand that his behavior in class was part of the responsibility that came with progressing in martial arts.
He was disappointed.
When Pressure Stopped Working
When he returned the following week, his attitude had changed. He seemed uninterested in training, and his performance was far below what I’d already seen him accomplish. He felt my decision had been unfair, and he was still carrying that frustration.
I knew he could do better, so my first instinct was to challenge him. I pushed him to show me what he was capable of and prove that I’d made the wrong decision.
It didn’t work.
I was asking a frustrated child to respond to more pressure from the very person he was frustrated with. Looking back, I can see why that approach wasn’t helping.
I still believed postponing his evaluation was appropriate. The other children needed to hear the instructions, especially when we were practicing techniques that required care for our training partners. But once he returned the following week, I had another responsibility: finding a way to help him move forward.
Giving Both Students Something to Work On
I decided to involve another student.
His friend, who was more advanced in his training, was doing well. I asked him to help the younger student work toward earning his stripe.
That gave both children something to work on.
The first was struggling with disappointment. He needed to find his way back into training and accept help from someone he trusted. His friend was comfortable performing the techniques himself, so I gave him a different challenge. I wanted him to experience the responsibility of helping another person improve.
I watched them work together and felt proud of both of them. Each was being asked to deal with something appropriate to his stage of development.
What interested me most was how my responsibility as their instructor had changed during that class.
I’d started by focusing on what the first child was failing to do. I knew his ability and expected him to demonstrate it. When challenging him didn’t work, I had to reconsider how I was trying to reach him.
Teaching a Child According to His Way
There’s a Hebrew saying from Proverbs that I’ve known since childhood: חנוך לנער על פי דרכו, commonly translated as “Train up a child in the way he should go.”
I’ve always understood it as a reminder to educate children according to who they are. Their personalities, abilities, and difficulties should influence how we teach them.
That afternoon gave me another reason to appreciate that wisdom.
The first child was capable of performing the techniques, but his frustration was interfering with his willingness to try. His friend had progressed far enough that performing well himself was becoming familiar. Helping someone else required him to develop a skill he hadn’t been asked to demonstrate in quite the same way.
My job was to recognize what each child needed from me at that moment.
What Parents Can Take From the Mat
This is something I think parents experience frequently. We know our children. We see abilities they’ve already demonstrated, and when they suddenly stop making an effort, it’s frustrating. We may become more demanding because we believe they’re capable of meeting our expectations.
I’ve done that as a father, and I certainly do it as an instructor.
Sometimes a direct challenge is useful. I’ve seen children respond well when they’re pushed to give more than they thought they could. That experience is part of the value of martial arts training for kids.
I’ve also seen how frustration can interfere with a child’s performance. When a student is struggling emotionally, increasing the pressure can make it harder for them to engage with the task.
Recognizing that requires paying attention to the child’s response and being willing to question our own methods.
Holding the Standard While Changing the Approach
In this case, I kept the original expectation in place. I still expected appropriate behavior during instruction and the technical ability required for the stripe. I gave the student another way to work toward those expectations, with help from someone he respected.
I also gave his friend an opportunity to discover something about himself. A student who knows how to perform a technique may find that explaining it, demonstrating it patiently, and helping someone else improve requires a different level of understanding.
That’s something I want advanced students to experience as they progress.
The class reminded me how much responsibility comes with teaching children. A decision that seems small to an adult can stay with a child longer than we anticipate. We need to pay attention to what happens after we make it.
I went into that class knowing what both students could do physically. I left with a better understanding of what I needed to ask of each of them.
And with a reminder that when my teaching isn’t reaching a child, I need to examine my approach before asking that child to try harder.
Do something amazing,
Tsahi Shemesh
Founder & CEO
Krav Maga Experts
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Helping Frustrated Children Move Forward FAQ
Should I push harder when my child stops trying at something he can already do?
A direct challenge can help a child give more than he thought he could. When frustration is the reason he’s pulling back, more pressure from the person he’s frustrated with usually makes it harder for him to engage. Watch how your child responds, keep the expectation in place, and be willing to change the way you’re trying to reach him.
Is it fair to postpone a child’s stripe or belt test because of behavior?
Behavior in class is part of the responsibility that comes with progressing in martial arts. Other children need to hear the instructions, especially when they’re practicing techniques that require care for a training partner. The instructor’s job continues after that decision, by helping the child find a way to move forward toward the same standard.
How does helping another student benefit an advanced child?
A student who can perform a technique well may find that explaining it, demonstrating it patiently, and helping someone else improve requires a deeper level of understanding. It also gives an advanced student the experience of being responsible for another person’s progress, which is a skill he hasn’t been asked to show in quite the same way.
What does "Train up a child in the way he should go" mean for parents?
The verse comes from Proverbs 22:6, written in Hebrew as חנוך לנער על פי דרכו. I understand it as a reminder to educate children according to who they are. A child’s personality, abilities, and difficulties should shape how we teach him, and what he needs from us can change from one moment to the next.
