One of my students wrote about an experience that stayed with him, and I thought it was worth sharing. His story is about vulnerability, awareness, and the responsibility that comes with training. After it, I have added practical guidance on how to look out for others in New York City, on the street and on the subway, without putting yourself or anyone else in greater danger.
Tsahi Shemesh
A Student’s Story: Having Your Back
It’s hard to believe it has already been two years since my mother passed away. The last ten years of her life she suffered the ravages of Alzheimer’s, and after my father died I had no choice but to place her in a home on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I visited her at least four times a week until Covid came and visits were no longer allowed.
What I learned from the nursing home experience was just how incredibly vulnerable we become when we are much older, both physically and mentally. My mom was entirely in the hands of strangers around the clock, but I think my constant visits ensured she was well taken care of, and in that respect I have no complaints.
At the same time, I was training in Krav Maga with Krav Maga Experts, not far from the home my mother was in. It’s a mystery how these things happen, because I didn’t plan it that way. When I placed my mom in the nursing home, I was not even aware of KME.
I began training with Tsahi Shemesh, KME’s founder and chief instructor. Krav Maga was the opposite of the home. It was fast-paced and intense, and it was about learning to defend yourself from a potentially life-threatening incident. I began to learn awareness and more about myself: what I am capable of, what my strengths and weaknesses are, and how to improve. I learned how vulnerable people really are regardless of their size or strength. Vulnerability is not only in nursing homes. It is everywhere, and all of us can be vulnerable at any time.
Training in Krav Maga makes you more empowered and better able to deal with vulnerabilities. And you feel a sense of responsibility for those who truly can’t defend themselves. Those seniors I visited at the home couldn’t defend themselves, just like little children can’t either. But they’re not the only ones. Without any training you can’t expect most people to even be aware of their surroundings.
One summer night, leaving the nursing home, I started walking to the subway station to go home. I was aware of my surroundings as I walked, and I spotted a man who appeared to be homeless and in some kind of mental distress. He was mumbling angrily when he started going after three very young Orthodox Jewish girls. The neighborhood has a large Jewish community, with a synagogue a block from the nursing home. At first I didn’t think much of it, because unfortunately people in crisis on the street are a common part of city life. What made this different was that he began following the girls, making aggressive gestures and cursing at them. The girls noticed and started walking faster, and so did he. I made a quick decision to follow them, just in case he tried to attack them. I could see they were getting more nervous and scared. I was close to my subway stop and could easily have gone home and forgotten about it, but I felt a sense of responsibility.
Why was I learning Krav Maga if I couldn’t use it when it actually mattered? Was I learning it to look cool on Facebook and Instagram and pretend to be a “badass”? No. This was the time, here and now.
There was a potential danger happening right in front of me, and despite the fact that others just walked by like nothing was happening, I was not that unaware New Yorker.
I had no excuse, because I was trained and they were not. Training did not give me special powers, and this was not about becoming a Marvel hero. For me, learning Krav Maga in NYC was about becoming more aware, more responsible, and better prepared to act when a situation required it.
As it turned out, the three girls made it to what I assume was their apartment building. As they got close, they ran for it as a doorman opened the door. The doorman stood in front of the door in case the man tried to get in. The man stopped, and I stopped not far from him. I didn’t want to look suspicious to the doorman, who had no idea what was going on, so I looked down at my phone, and when the man left, I made my way back to the subway station.
Who knows what was going through that man’s mind or how he ended up on the street. Maybe in his world he just wanted to make contact and would never have hurt those girls. He was vulnerable too. I took a detour that summer night, and I felt good that I had looked after three young girls. They never knew someone had their backs that night.
Why This Story Matters
What I value most in this story is the judgment it shows. My student noticed early, stayed calm, kept a reasonable distance, did not escalate, and was ready to act if things got worse. He did not confront the man, chase him, or make himself the center of the situation. He made himself available. That is what having someone’s back usually looks like in real life.
How to Help as a Bystander in NYC Without Making Things Worse
Most people who see something wrong in public want to help and do not know how. Many freeze, as I describe in Culture of Detachment in Corporate America. A simple framework helps. The widely used “5 D’s” of bystander intervention, popularized by the nonprofit Right To Be, give you several options besides confrontation.
Distract
Interrupt the situation indirectly. Ask the person being targeted for directions or the time, drop something, or strike up a conversation with them. Distraction often defuses harassment without anyone losing face.
Delegate
Get help from someone with more authority or better position: a doorman, a store employee, a bus driver, a train conductor, or the police. On the subway, you can use the intercom in the car or tell the conductor at the next stop. In an emergency, call 911.
Document
If someone is already helping and it is safe, record from a distance. Keep the date, time, and location visible, and give the footage to the person who was targeted. Do not post it without their consent.
Delay
After the incident, check on the person who was targeted. Ask if they are okay, stay with them, help them get where they are going, or help them report what happened.
Direct
Speak to the aggressor directly with short, calm statements such as “Leave her alone” or “That’s not okay.” Use this only when you judge it safe, and do not argue or get drawn into a debate.
When to Step In and When to Get Help
Physical intervention carries real risk, including weapons you cannot see, other people involved, and legal consequences afterward. Before you act, ask yourself whether someone is in immediate danger of serious harm, whether you can help without making the situation worse, and whether other options such as delegating or distracting would work. If someone is about to be seriously hurt and you are able to act, trained people can make a difference. If the situation is verbal harassment or the threat is unclear, distance, awareness, and getting help are usually the safer choices for everyone. New York’s rules on the use of force apply to bystanders as well, and I explain them in Self-Defense Law in NYC.
Training helps with every one of these options. It builds the awareness to notice early, the composure to think clearly, and the skills to protect yourself if things turn physical. You can read more about subway safety in Self-Defense Is Mandatory When Riding the NYC Subway, and about what to do after you witness a crime in What to Do When You Witness a Crime in NYC.
Do something amazing,
Tsahi Shemesh
Founder & CEO
Krav Maga Experts
Relevant Articles:
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Be the Kind Stranger
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The Invisible People Who Keep You Going
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