We do not get to choose when bad things happen. Most people do not wake up knowing that the day will change their lives. What we can do is train our minds and bodies so that, if that day comes, we are ready to recognize a threat early, and, when necessary, to defend ourselves.
This article focuses on the earliest part of that readiness: the behaviors that often appear before sexual violence occurs. Recognizing them is a skill, and like any skill it can be learned. Before we begin, one point needs to be clear. Warning signs are not predictions, and noticing them or missing them never makes anyone responsible for another person’s violence. Responsibility always belongs to the person who commits it.
Why Familiar People Are Harder to Read
Our brains constantly scan for threats. We look for traffic before crossing the street, lock the door at night, and become more alert in dark or unfamiliar places. That awareness drops sharply in familiar places and around familiar people. We do not search our home before walking in, and we relax around loved ones, coworkers, and acquaintances. Most of us were raised to be careful with strangers and to feel safe with people we know.
That instinct creates a blind spot, because most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. According to RAINN, roughly eight out of ten rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. The people who commit them are often ordinary on the surface: neighbors, friends, dates, coworkers, teachers, coaches, medical professionals, and sometimes relatives. It happens across every social and economic class.
Why the Warning Signs Get Missed
In movies, the bad guy is easy to spot, and we wonder how the other characters missed the signals. In real life, it is much harder. When the person is someone we trust, cognitive dissonance gets in the way. If I believe the people I trust are good, and good people do not do terrible things, then this person I trust cannot be doing something terrible to me. That confusion can delay a response during the moment, and afterward it often prevents people from reporting or even talking about what happened.
We also tend to imagine offenders as monsters. That image gives us a false sense of security, because people who cause harm rarely look or act like monsters in daily life. Neat labels do not protect us. Paying attention to behavior does.
Red Flags to Watch For
Boundary Testing
Boundaries are often crossed in small steps: a touch that lingers, a comment that goes slightly too far, a request that seems minor. Each step tests how you respond. If the small violations are not addressed, the behavior tends to escalate. Notice the first crossing, and treat it as information.
Ignoring or Negotiating “No”
“No,” “No, thank you,” and “I’m not comfortable with this” are complete answers. Phrases such as “Don’t be like that,” “Trust me,” “Relax,” or “It’s fine” in response to a refusal are red flags. A person who treats your refusal as the start of a negotiation is showing you that their wants matter more to them than your wellbeing.
Guilt, Pressure, and Playing the Victim
When you reinforce a boundary, watch for manipulation. Some people respond by making you feel cruel, ungrateful, or dramatic. Others recruit friends or family to pressure you or to paint themselves as the one being hurt. These tactics are designed to lower your guard.
Secrecy
Being told that something uncomfortable is “our secret” or “just between us” is a way of normalizing behavior that would not survive scrutiny. Ask yourself why it needs to stay hidden and how others would judge it.
Isolation
Watch for efforts to separate you from friends, family, or a group: suggesting you leave a party together, changing plans so you end up alone, discouraging you from talking to others, or creating situations where you depend on that person for a ride or a place to stay.
Alcohol and Drugs as Tools
Pushing drinks, encouraging you to use substances, or showing more interest as you become impaired are serious warning signs. So is someone who stays sober while encouraging others to drink heavily.
Control and Jealousy
Monitoring your phone, deciding who you can see, reacting with anger to your independence, or treating you as a possession are signs of coercive control. These behaviors often appear before physical or sexual violence in relationships.
How to Respond to Red Flags
Judge the behavior by its absolute value. Ask whether you would accept the same behavior from a stranger. Your feelings toward a person should not override your judgment about what they are doing.
State boundaries clearly and early, in simple language, and repeat them if needed. You do not owe anyone a long explanation. Create distance when something feels wrong: move toward other people, stay in public spaces, keep your own transportation, and keep your phone charged. Tell someone you trust what is happening, and agree on a check-in or a code word with a friend when you are in a situation that makes you uneasy.
Trust the discomfort you feel, even when you cannot explain it yet. It is better to leave early and be wrong than to stay and ignore a signal your body is sending. We teach how to communicate boundaries in detail in How to Set Boundaries: A Guide for Women, and how to recognize predatory behavior in Recognizing Predatory Behavior.
Where Physical Self-Defense Fits
Many self-defense classes focus only on responses to an attack that has already started. Those skills matter, and we train them seriously. True self-defense begins earlier, with awareness, open conversation about warning signs, and the ability to create, maintain, and defend boundaries in relationships. Physical training supports all of these by building the confidence to speak up and act. It does not make anyone responsible for preventing another person’s crime. You can read more about our approach in Sexual Assault Prevention and the Role of Practical Self-Defense.
If Something Has Already Happened
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, support is available. In the United States, the National Sexual Assault Hotline operated by RAINN can be reached at 800-656-4673 or through rainn.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Train With Us
We run rape prevention workshops and weekly women-only self-defense classes at our New York City studios. They combine awareness, boundary setting, and practical physical skills in a supportive environment.
Do something amazing,
Tsahi Shemesh
Founder & CEO
Krav Maga Experts
Relevant Articles:
How to Prevent Sexual Assault: Practical Prevention Strategies
Concrete steps that reduce risk in everyday situations.
Case Study: Sean “Diddy” Combs and Cassie Ventura
What a public case teaches about intimate partner violence and coercive control.
Self-Defense Myths That Put People in Danger
Including the belief that someone you know would never hurt you.
